dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
