why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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