every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
