Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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