i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
