no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
