he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
