Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
