dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
