just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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