I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
this boner is exhausting
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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