there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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