I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
