This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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