and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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