Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
