The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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