I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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