i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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