Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
