I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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