you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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