I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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