I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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