I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
