sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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