I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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