he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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