Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
