I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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