Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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