I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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