I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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