if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
