My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
time to smoke my breakfast
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
