I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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