Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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