Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
