It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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