I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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