He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
