I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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