i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
