Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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