Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
