his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
