Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
