i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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