Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
