Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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