Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
