your thong is hanging out like whoa
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
